This Blue Robe

Is hanging outside my bathroom door and it’s the first thing I see when I open my eyes in the morning and the last thing I see at night. It’s my daily reminder to find the beauty. And that life is short. And sometimes cruel. But also beautiful.

This blue robe was my last birthday gift from Renee. It’s identical to her own that she said she wore when lounging around or cleaning house. It never fit but I didn’t have the heart to tell her. And I didn’t have the heart to tell her I don’t lounge, and I clean at a feverish pace involving some form of gymnastics that requires pants and tops and shoes. That was February – she was gone in June. Gone to the great beyond. Gone from her husband and sons. Gone before her time. Before we were ready. But she was ready – she did her very best to hang on. She assured me on our last visit “it’s okay, Katie.” Words I didn’t agree with but for once didn’t argue. I knew in my heart she was right. She was tired.

This blue robe is my reminder to be a better friend. To tell my friends I love them. To make them laugh and hand them Kleenex if they need to have a cry. To hold them up if they are unsteady on their feet and just be there. I’m the kind that needs a reminder. My ability to keep moving forward is fueled by my ability to put blinders on and only look at what’s in front of me. In front of me now. One blue robe. 💔

Sidetracked

I feel like the Roadrunner who has taken a detour drawn by Wile E. Coyote, off a big old cliff. I landed flat, picked myself up, and started going 100 MPH all over again.
I’m constantly taking detours. Daily, weekly, yearly… life long detours. And yes I do realize that is what life is about- the journey, the trip, the bumps in the road and all that.
I refrain from New Year’s resolutions because I know I will break them- but this last new year I actually had set some goals for myself. By January 7th– the day Nicks dad died-so shockingly young, I knew things would not go as planned. Then in February frozen shoulder- literally my shoulder froze and it was extremely painful- knocked the sassy crap out of me. No one-liners, no jokes, no writing, no real estate studies, no gym, no dog walks, just pain medication and leftover tears from January. My roots grew out, my face found some more lines, my energy waned and I gained even more weight.
Those that know me- know I am always a little grouchy. I’m dissatisfied with the world the way it is. I think we can do better. I know I can do better. I see so many things that I would change if I could- but then I always get sidetracked- like I have ADD- which I do, but I thought I managed it better than this.
While my life was between standstill and broken, I read the news and scoured the internet for information on various subjects. I read numerous books and if nothing else fed my brain with better literature. (as opposed to drug store novels).
I managed to work through the complex and often annoying heath care system for people with no insurance. I paid 185.00 a visit for several visits until they actually referred me to a specialist that was able to give me a shot of cortisone. It was a 5-month ordeal. I realized later- I could have probably gotten on the phone, made a few calls and made an appointment with any Ortho, paid my cash and probably would have saved myself about 800.00. Aside from the out of pocket cash, I glimpsed the frustration my son must feel when he goes to the VA. Only I just had frozen shoulder. I can’t really imagine how the veterans with real health and/or mental issues navigate that system.
The beginning of last month I decided I need to finish a couple of things and get some stuff off my over-flowing plate. So far… I have been sidetracked a few times with things more important than my immediate plans. That’s okay, I tell myself. I don’t know anyone better than me at starting over, picking up where I left off and just writing a whole new playbook.
One of these days I will take the RE exam. I’ll finish any of the three novels I have started, and start any one of the three non-fictions in notebooks and my head. I will get my office cleaned, I will get to the gym and I will lose weight.
Really- all I need is for my family and friends to be okay. I need my son to be happy, healthy and safe- and my nieces and nephews to be happy, healthy and safe. I need my siblings to be okay and get old with me- and I really need my friends to do the same. Everything else is extra.
So if you see me running 100 MPH on a fake road- off a cliff- don’t worry- I’ll be back as fast as you can say Wile E. Coyote.