Breaking Up is Hard to Do… Sometimes

/ Katie Wigington / Leave a comment

Part 3 of Auntie Katie’s Free Advise

 

I’m skipping ahead to break-ups before we even get into the whole relationship conversation, because, well, they usually come sooner than we are expecting them – and whether initiated by you or them- you should be prepared.
There are a million different reasons why people break up with each other. Since we are talking about going “out”  here and not marriage, I’ll only cover some of them. (We’ll get to marriages later.)  
First, I should tell you that sometimes there is no reason. It’s more like you should have never gotten together in the first place. It’s like writing the wrong thing on the chalk board- then trying to erase it, but part of it still shows through. You can’t really undo anything in life. (Another reason to choose wisely.) But clean the chalk board best you can and move on.
Breaking up usually has a few emotions involved. First, you are hurt or shocked (if someone else is doing the dumping) then you are sad for a while then you are mad. I personally always found mad to be better than sad. Sad is: you mope around, sleep too much, eat too much ice cream. Mad: You get a new hairstyle, lose a few pounds, start running, play some sports , hang out with your buddies again and possibly clean your room – maybe even your closet too. Mad is more productive.
The writing is on the wall.
Usually, there are some signs of things to come. If you have been together more than a week, there is a pattern of communication. He or she calls you everyday, you call him /her everyday, you text constantly, you go to a movie, dinner, a ball game- whatever. When there is a variance in the pattern, you should pay attention.  
I wouldn’t worry too much about things being off one day, or even two- but if it is off three days in a row, something is up. (Auntie Katie could be wrong- but it’s rare.) Now the variety of reasons this starts to happen are too many to go into here. I’ll name a few top ones though.
  1. They realized you don’t have enough in common.
  2. They actually like someone else.
  3. They heard you like someone else.
  4. They think you didn’t pay enough attention to them.
  5. They thought you needed more attention then they could give you.
If you or they are on the younger side, it could be that you or they are just not ready for this kind of relationship. Don’t worry, you’ll get there.
Reasons I think you should break up immediately.  Let me just say here- this is my opinion. You don’t have to agree with me- but I’m right.
  1. They physically hurt you.
  2. They cheated on you with your best friend.
  3. They kicked or otherwise abused your pet.
  4. They are into drugs, drinking or any illegal activities.
  5. They are needy to point of aggravation.
I can tell you right off the bat if any of these things are an issue you will be breaking up sooner or later and you – YOU should make it sooner.
Most of the time, after a break up, when the dust settles, you can still be friends. Occasionally, you have to cut all ties.
NEVER be a victim. Never let anyone manipulate you into doing anything you don’t want to do, anything illegal, dangerous or otherwise stupid. If someone is trying to control you, DUMP THEM.
If they don’t want you hanging out with your friends: DUMP THEM.
If they say bad things about your family: DUMP THEM.
There are plenty of nice people out there. But don’t forget, it’s okay to be by yourself too. If you can learn to be happy with yourself, by yourself, then you will be much more secure in your relationships.
Next week we’ll look a little closer at going “out” and what that is all about and expectations and how to manage them.  

Auntie Katie’s Free Advise Part 2

/ Katie Wigington / Leave a comment

Part II
Embarrassing Moments: To Pee or Not to Pee.
As you start out in the “dating” world and by that, I mean hanging out with the opposite sex, you may find yourself in some embarrassing situations. Hopefully, none of you are as socially backwards as I was and you will not find yourself holding your pee for 12 hours because you are too embarrassed to go when the boyfriend/girlfriend is there.
I doubt boys have this problem and actually doubt if many girls do- but I sure did. Everything embarrassed me. I hated my teeth so I tried not to smile. (Apparently, I smiled anyway because people tell me they remember my laughing and smiling as a teen- I think they have faulty memories.) If anyone mentioned my teeth were crooked- I turned beet red and died right there. If anyone mentioned the zit on my face- or even dared to look at it I would be mortified. I usually stayed home from school because of zits.
I once went out with a boy who decided to take me to China Town for a late night bite. We went to some downstairs off the beaten track kind of place that was real Chinese food. He ordered for us. Up until that evening, the only Chinese I had ever eaten was Sweet & Sour Pork and Fried Rice. Our soup comes and I take a big spoon full- and IMMEDIATELY spit it out and exclaimed, “I could feel the testicles.”    Well he burst out laughing and told me the word was tentacles. Then he told me what testicles were. I was very embarrassed. Still, I think, anything with testicles or tentacles, should not be in your soup.
Another time I was out to lunch with someone and read the menu… Hors d’œuvre. I read it aloud pronouncing that H. Horsedevores. He laughed too. I died. Somehow, I lived through these moments and got a little smarter. I stopped eating anything I couldn’t say or didn’t know what the word meant and eventually learned to ask questions like : How do you say this word?
I have more embarrassing moments – but I think you get the drift. We do live through these things and outgrow most of them. Half the battle is learning to laugh at yourself. I didn’t do that when I was really young but I eventually learned that things are pretty funny if you loosen up a little.
So my advise for embarrassing moments? Laugh it off. Try not to be so self -conscious, and for God’s sake- go pee if you have to go pee.

Auntie Katie’s Free Advise

/ Katie Wigington / Leave a comment
  st1\:*{behavior:url(#ieooui) }

If you are one of my older blog readers- you might want to pass this on to anyone just starting out in the teen years.
Here are some things everyone should know when they start dating, having boyfriends or girlfriends and everything that goes along with that completely new world.
If you think my advice doesn’t pertain to your situation- file it for later- it probably will.
Part I
That first kiss…
My first kiss was horrible. He smashed my face and hit his teeth on my teeth. It was as they say, “the kiss of death”,  since it was also my last kiss from that boy. It was my last kiss from him not because it was a horrible kiss, which it was, but because I was too embarrassed to look at him afterwards. He gave me his ring that night at a school dance and I gave it back to him, via his sister the following Monday. I was in 6th grade and too young.
Six months later, I kissed another boy and it was much nicer, softer – almost professional in my thinking. (I’m sure he did not say the same for me). Unfortunately, he was quite a bit older than me and had no intention of making me his girlfriend. Lesson learned there: If they won’t be seen in public with you dump them.
Maybe some people think a kiss is not important-but it is. It’s the kiss, that connects you the first time. It’s the kiss, that (if you are paying attention) will tell you how they feel: if they are sad, happy, preoccupied or even cheating on you- you’ll know from that kiss if you let yourself.  (More on letting yourself know things later)
If your first kiss is also their first kiss, then you can learn together. All I can tell you is it should not hurt, or break your teeth. It should not be slobbery like a St. Bernard drooling all over you. It should be like kissing a big soft pillow. Their breath should be nice and since they are being up close and personal, they should smell clean. (If your first kiss takes place in a sewer and everyone smells bad, you have much bigger problems than kissing.)  
Remember: Don’t ever do anything you don’t want to do. And if you can’t both discuss it first, honestly and intellectually then you are not ready.
Okay- so once you are passed the whole first kiss thing- you actually move on to real relationships. Boyfriend – girlfriend stuff. 
Number one rule:  for both sexes, all ages and even if you are married… do not drop all your friends. This is the biggest mistake people make when they are in a relationship. Sometimes it happens because you are insecure and think you have to spend a million hours a week with someone and sometimes it happens because they are insecure and they think you should spend a million hours a week with them. In any case, it is one of worst things you can do in a relationship. (And we all do it at least once.)
Make sure he/she has some friends:  If the person you like has no friends and they are not new to the area- that is a red flag. It means they are either in the Witness Protection Program, or, they are too selfish to be a friend, or, they are a sociopath. Oh sure- every now and then you may find a real loner- but trust me – people with no friends are a problem.
Make sure he/she has a hobby (other than you). You don’t have to share the hobby- and maybe it’s better if you don’t- though you will want to refrain from insulting their hobby if you hate it.
It’s all about balance.  Here are some bad combinations
Caveman/ Professor of English
Social Consciousness /Oil Tycoon
Dudley Do-Right/ Holly the Hooker
You can usually spot a mistake the minute you see it- but for some reason- unknown to all of us with a brain- we ignore it.
Listen to me. If you get a feeling that someone is not right for you. YOU ARE PROBABLY RIGHT. Don’t give up two years of your life (or 15 minutes) trying to make something work- that was never going to work. It’s OKAY to be alone once in a while.
The number one quality you should look for in a human being is that they are a good human being. And that does not mean they would be good if … that means in spite of everything, all the hard knocks, all the bad hands dealt- they are stand up people and do the right thing no matter what. They are good friends, good fathers, good mothers, good sons, daughters, nieces, and nephews. If it turns out that they are not a good boyfriend /girlfriend for you- chances are, if they are good people to start with that you will remain friends for life.
Be your own person. Don’t change for anyone. If you need to change… do it for yourself.
Look for Part II soon

I’m Watching You

/ Katie Wigington / Leave a comment
<!–[if !mso]> st1\:*{behavior:url(#ieooui) } <![endif]–>
About 27 years ago, when I was nearly three months pregnant with Nick, and living in upper North Beach at very top of Chestnut St. I decided to take my laundry to the Laundromat on Stockton Street where they would wash and fold for me. I loaded up my little cart, put my boyfriend’s sweats and a baggy T-shirt on, my hair in a ponytail and marched out my front door.  I wasn’t showing yet- but my waist felt thick and the only clothes I felt comfortable in were baggy, too big for me clothes.

I noticed it was getting a little more difficult to walk the San Francisco hills I had been walking up and down for years. Hormones zapping my strength, increased blood volume, and a Dr.’s order to bed-rest zapping my muscle tone, made me just a little slower.  My slowness would not have been noticeable to anyone but me and a few people who knew I was a power walker.
After I dropped off my laundry and cart, my legs felt like rubber and I thought to myself I better get home and lie down. I was not used to being so weak and was not fond of the dizzy, lightheaded feeling I had.
About three buildings in front of me, I saw a car pull into a driveway. It was a station wagon with blacked out windows. The driver got out of the car and with his drivers side door open he leaned over to look under his car.
The hair on the back of my neck stood up. My stomach turned- as if a baby the size of a pea could do somersaults and I would notice.
His car blocked the sidewalk, and when I reached the spot where he was parked he said. “Excuse me, can you help me for a minute?” 
I said no, and made a wider circle into the street. He then went on to explain why he needed my help it was because he thought he had a mechanical problem, and I knew.  Alarms went off- I knew with every cell in my body he was bad and wanted to hurt me. As he started to get up I realized I was in trouble and somehow or another I was able to muster the walk that was almost a run. I booked.  He got into his car and continued down Stockton Street towards the wharf. I had turned on Chestnut and hid in a doorway until I was sure he was gone. I made my way back up the hill and to my bed. I called the police and reported him because I was positive- that he was going to find someone that would get in that car with him.  The police took my information over the phone but they never followed up so I’m not sure if they took my intuition seriously or not. But, I knew then and I know now- 27 years later- he would have killed me.
Last week I was walking my Shiba Inu on one of the back streets in the Indian Valley area. As a safety precaution, I always bring my phone on dog walks- even if it’s just around the block. As we walked by a school and park, I noticed a car that had driven up and down the block about four times. He kept watching the park- the track- specifically where a couple of girls were running. I could feel him watching me too, and at one point I turned around to look right at him but he was too far away for me to see his face. He was driving a white Acura or Mercedes, I’m not sure which. I kept watching him and the girls until I saw the girls take off to the opposite end of the park to a short cut to another street. He started driving again, passed me again and then turned around and came upon a girl walking her dog. He stopped and rolled down his window but I was too far and too deaf to hear anything- but I decided to take a picture of his car.  I waited until he left. I’m not sure if he saw me in his rear view- or if he knew I took a picture of his car- and I didn’t care. I just wanted him to go away.
Since nothing really happened- I couldn’t call the police. He could have been asking that young lady for directions. Maybe. But my gut tells me different. If anyone goes missing in the area- I will turn in the photo- you can’t see much- but maybe it would help.
A few years ago I blogged about missing children http://katiewigingtonwrites.blogspot.com/2008/12/what-can-we-do-to-help.html   – in it I mentioned Jaycee Dugard who was still missing at the time.  The fact that she was found alive is amazing and hopeful- and I that was correct in my assessment of the investigation-depressing.  We have too few detectives working these cases and their resources are becoming slim to none. We need some old-fashioned hound dogs with superior instincts not bachelors degrees with no spidey sense and no time served.
We- the public, really have to be vigilant and keep our eyes open. How some people can go through this life with blinders on, I’ll never know.
While I am out walking or driving, I am paying attention. I might even be looking for trouble- but that’s okay. I’ll sleep a lot better knowing I at least try to do something about all these kids disappearing and/or getting killed.
Pay attention to where you are and who is around you. If you think you see something “off” then chances are you are right- make a mental note- or take a picture with your phone, and if you think you should call the police CALL THE POLICE.
For more information go to this website.  The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children
http://www.missingkids.com/missingkids/servlet/PublicHomeServlet?LanguageCountry=en_US&
Or the Polly Klaus Foundation
http://www.pollyklaas.org/
And if you are one of the predators in my neighborhood… then you should know… I’m watching you. 
Farthest car on right side of the street is the car I saw last week

Honored Everyday

/ Katie Wigington / Leave a comment

It always seems in bad taste to say Happy Memorial Day.
Memorial Day is supposed to be the day we honor those who have sacrificed their lives while defending their country.  It dates back to 1868 when General John Logan proclaimed in General Order 11 http://www.usmemorialday.org/order11.html
“The 30th day of May, 1868, is designated for the purpose of strewing with flowers or otherwise decorating the graves of comrades who died in defense of their country during the late rebellion, and whose bodies now lie in almost every city, village, and hamlet church-yard in the land. In this observance no form of ceremony is prescribed, but posts and comrades will in their own way arrange such fitting services and testimonials of respect as circumstances may permit.”
 I used to think Memorial Day was about everyone who died. I would take flowers and flags to the graves of all my relatives- sometimes spending two days driving around Northern California and walking through cemeteries, thinking of the lives that once were.
Often, my son would accompany me. We would read different headstones and wonder about all the people in their graves. Once when we were looking for my great- grandmother’s grave we happened upon a part of the cemetery that started being used in 1885. Their graves had been forgotten, overgrown with weeds and I’m sure forgotten by ancestors. Their headstones were weathered and hard to read but we stopped at many of them anyway. So many of them were children and young adults, too young to be there. That part of the cemetery had an eerie feeling- a lot of sadness.
My son would also perform this ritual with his father- visiting Japanese cemeteries. He noted once that the Japanese didn’t seem to forget their loved ones buried for eternity- like we do. I think he was glad I never forgot my relatives.
After my son joined the Marine Corps- I realized exactly what Memorial Day was. It’s to honor those who have given their life to defend our great Nation. It’s not really about Veterans and loved ones. Only after he became a Marine did I educate myself about all things war; all things great and horrible at once.
When Nick was stationed at Annapolis, he participated in the Flag-In ceremony at Arlington. He said it was an honor- and very moving to put a flag in the grave and salute to every single man and woman buried there.
Now, I don’t understand why these people are not honored everyday- by all of us. I think it’s okay to have your picnic and parade, spend the day on your boat, hiking in the mountains, cemetery hopping if you will… but we should not forget the people that allow us these freedoms. Give them a moment at least, or better yet,  wake up everyday grateful to the people that serve our country. Say thanks while they are alive.
Surely, the relatives of all the people who have died in wars don’t only remember them on Memorial Day.
Everyday, I will honor those who have sacrificed their lives so I may live mine in freedom. It’s not that hard really. You do it by trying to do the right thing by everyone, by not being selfish and worrying about only yourself, by looking at the bigger picture and not focusing on what’s wrong but how you can fix it. You do it by being generous of spirit, forthright and genuine.
Have a thoughtful Memorial Day everyone.

The Older I Get…

/ Katie Wigington / Leave a comment

The older I get, the less I understand life. The list of things I don’t get is growing and try as I do to understand what makes people tick, what makes people make the choices they do, I just can’t figure it out. I spend a lot of time shaking my head back and forth and opening my mouth in jaw dropping moments, completely baffled about how gullible or sometimes just plain stupid or completely off the charts crazy people are.

For instance: I don’t understand why people who are unhappily married stay together. Half the time, I don’t understand how these same people ever got together in the first place. From the outside looking in I usually see the train wreck coming – though sometimes it’s actually years away. I know: The kids, the money, too late to start over…I know all that- but it does not make sense to me. Life is just too short for misery that we can control.

I once had a boyfriend who I loved so much it drove me crazy (granted a it was a short drive). Together, like rabbits trapped in a cage, we bred insanity. Looking back, I can see how our friends and family saw us. Our on again off again relationship lasted more than a decade, sometimes secretly, in between and during others. I’m not sure what finally ended it. Just weariness I guess. Well -that and no booze.

During that crazy relationship- on one of our splits, I went to stay with my mom, while I waited for my brother to come from Escondido and bring me back home with him while I recuperated from this particular broken heart. I was watching the television with my mom when the news cut in to the local program to tell the world about the Jim Jones Massacre. I wondered then, how so many people could follow a man who was clearly insane. As I sat there, crying, thinking my world was coming to an end and wondering how I would be able to live without my Jim K.- the real end came for 918 people and something in me shifted. I remember journaling my feelings of despair, helplessness and confusion. Religion, I deduced- was the culprit. It was mass mental illness. My mother agreed.

Thirty-three years later… and people are still following crazy preachers. I watched with disdain and disgust as last week people actually prepared for the so-called “Rapture”. I read about one man who drove 3000 miles across the country to come to the Bay Area for the Rapture… and people who gave away their lives savings, quit their jobs, gave away all their belongings- and they have no recourse. They can’t sue this nut- they got suckered. They had faith.

Harold Camping, the nut that started this whole mess, and who has supposedly studied the Bible for more than 50 years, believed that on May 21, 2011, 6PM-ish, a massive earthquake would’ve hit New Zealand and from there continued quaking around the world during the next 24 hours until May 21 is reached on both time zones. At the end of this 24-hour period, Harold Camping said believers would go to heaven and the rest (of us sane people) would be left on earth to face final judgment before the earth is destroyed.

Remember the other nut? What was his crazy name? Do? (pronounced Doe) (I always want to say Bambi) Marshall Applewhite. He had followers too- they are all dead now. His was a UFO religion. They didn’t consider it suicide, they just called it leaving the earth so their souls could get on the spaceship to “another level of existence.” They had faith.

I found a whole list of crazy religious movements- check this out.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_new_religious_movements

I do understand there is religion without mass mental illness. I understand faith- but prefer irrefutable facts and science. I like proof. I research and research to make sure things make sense.

Okay- so back to why people stay together when they are clearly better off apart. Is it mental illness? Fear of the unknown? Laziness? Apathy? Is it fear of failure or the perception thereof? Is it FAITH that things will change? I’m still wondering. But, if any of you have the answers- please feel free to explain. Just bring the proof.

Looking for Answers

/ Katie Wigington / 2 Comments
When things don’t make sense most of us try to seek answers. The way in which we seek these answers varies. Some people turn to drink or drugs- others to God and church and just about everything in between. 
I started studying astrology books when I was about 14, then psychology; occasionally I reverted to my Catholic upbringing, seeking answers in a book I didn’t understand and for the most part didn’t believe. I wrote in journals, smoked and drank and still the answers I was seeking never revealed themselves.
By the time I was 19 years old, I had already experienced many things that did not make sense, but then the worst thing happened. My best friend’s four-year-old nephew, a boy the same age as my little niece, died. 
Grief surrounded the family, my other family, and changed everyone forever.  I remember writing in my tear stained journal, hoping I could write a great story someday and dedicate it to Baby Warren, because I knew I would never forget him. I never have.
Baby Warren’s funeral was the first I ever attended. His tiny coffin in the chapel was just the saddest thing I had ever seen.  Every face there was tear-stained and hopeless, angry and sad. Everyone wondered why.
Since then I have attended so many funerals I can’t really count anymore. None as young as Warren; but many were too young to leave this earth; just barely touching the ground. 
Earlier this month my son’s 53 year – old father died suddenly after returning home from a day of work.  Some of us- the left behinds are wondering why. Why so soon? Why now? Why?
The first person to call me and make sure I was okay was that same best friend whose nephew died forty years earlier.
I always wonder if there is some lesson in it for us left behinds. And, of course there are several. I say it all the time. Life is short. Yet still I’m always shocked when someone’s life is cut short.  
The other lessons seem so obvious but we forget them all the time. Love your family and friends. Be there when they need you. Enjoy the little things like an ice cream cone on a sunny day and the big things like the Grand Canyon. Understand your significance in the grand scheme and in the moment.
The Japanese Buddhist have an annual event called Obon. It is believed that each year during Obon the spirits of ancestors and loved ones return to this world to visit their relatives. This Japanese Buddhist custom is to honor the souls of one’s ancestors and is celebrated as a reminder of the gratefulness one should feel toward one’s ancestors and loved ones.  I will attend Obon this year- and gratefully remember all my loved ones and ancestors that have left this material world.
With the passing of my son’s dad, Jon, I went once again looking for answers. This time I have found something I am willing to accept, as well as some peace of mind. I dug out my old book “The Teaching of Buddha” that I bought at the Buddhist Bazaar 15 years ago. I read it then- but now I understand.
If we are lucky, we will be remembered forty years after we are gone. Someone will think about us and remember the love, the hugs, the silly smile, the belly laugh, and the wise eyes.
If we are lucky, we will be loved long after we are gone because that is what helps those who are left behind.
I took a lovely walk with my son today and we remembered a fun time with his dad at the same park. We laughed remembering his dad manning the paddle boat while I gave up  and smoked a cigarette and Nick said “Faster daddy, faster!” 
There is a way to let them go and hang on at the same time.  

How Happy Are You?

/ Katie Wigington / Leave a comment
Katie and Linda

My best advice, my big words of wisdom; not unique in any form, which I often share are: “Life is too short to be miserable. Sometimes I change the words a bit.  “Life is too short to be unhappy.” “Life is too short to waste it on some asshole, bitch or moron (fill in your word). All variations of the same theme. Life is short- be happy.

Now I am the first to tell you, people who are happy all the time are annoying at best. Life has some horrible shit going on… and if you are anything more than a carrot-you must feel some of the misery in the world.  So we have to find the happy (no pun intended) medium. It’s okay to be occasionally unhappy but try to not be depressed. It’s okay to be pissed off but not crazy. It’s okay to be happy but don’t go overboard.
On New Years Day I blogged about how much I like the New Year- the fresh start, and I do. But it also made me wonder why everyone doesn’t take advantage of the new year to clean house- take inventory and figure out if you are happy or not- and if not- why and is it easily fixed or will it entail attorneys fees, transplantation, amputation or just a simple vacation?
They say money can’t buy happiness, but most of the people I know right now would be happier with some money or are miserable without it. I know people with no jobs that would be happy if they could get a job but not so happy if the job cost them more to get to than they would make.
I know people in relationships that are not happy- some  have forgotten what happy is, or happy has lowered its standards to make them content. Content- in my book is not happy. Content is eh…  it’s copasetic, it’s beige. Others are just plain miserable.
Happy is excited. Excited to wake up, to see the clouds in the sky, and hear the birds chirping; listen to a baby giggle, watch the sunset and gaze at the stars. Happy is savoring life with all your senses. Happy is a soft, warm home baked cookie – content is a hard, cold store bought cookie.
I was not a happy baby or for much of my adult life either- until my late 30’s. My older sister looked in the sky and saw rainbows and I saw dark clouds. We were raised in the same house. I was always good at sizing up a situation though and understood at a very early age- maybe as early as three years old, that my parents were not one bit happy with each other.  Of course, the fighting was a huge clue.
Life always gives us huge clues- but we obstinately ignore them until they suit our needs. Or we tell ourselves we have to compromise. Now I am single, but if you’re a couple I do understand that occasionally you have to see a movie you don’t really want to see or eat at a restaurant you’re not crazy about. But how much of your core values should you have to compromise?   Should you give up friends, family, animals? For anyone? Ever?  No-  I don’t think so. I think if someone is asking any of those things of you- you have a big – no a giant clue- that things are not right. Fixable? Maybe. But generally speaking – I have met a million people in my life and selfish does not usually get better.
Happy- I suppose is relative for some. I am happy to be alive but I don’t really shout it from the roof top due to a fear of heights and a natural inclination to downplay things.  I wonder sometimes if I would be happier with a life partner- some guys to cook for and play scrabble with or cuddle and watch a movie with too. But the truth of it is- I would only be happier if I didn’t have to change me at all. That’s probably not very fair of me- but it’s the truth. I’m happy with myself – and it took me so long to get here- it’s just not up for compromise.
Misery is extreme unhappiness. It’s what unchecked unhappiness leads to. It starts in the morning when you don’t want to get up – when the chirping birds piss you off and you want to kick the dog that is barking hello. It goes to the grocery store with you when you bitch about the price of something and gripe because the clerk is too slow. When you get to work you bring your headache, your ass ache your negative bullshit and make everyone around you listen to your sniveling all day. Then you go home, ignore the dog, say mean things to your family, bitch about everyone at work, and wonder why no one wants to be around you. Misery is a horrible cancer- a blight on humanity. If you have it- stay away from me.
So my question to all of you tonight is how happy are you? Are you happy or content? Miserable?  If you could change your life would you? 

Happy New Year 2011

/ Katie Wigington / Leave a comment
I had no great expectations for 2010. My goal was to stay alive, keep a roof over my head and hang on to my job. My wants were few. I wanted to be content if not joyous; I wanted my family to be happy and healthy. I wanted to write and hoped I would write something good enough to submit. I wanted to be there for everyone who needed me and more than anything, I wanted the boys I knew in Afghanistan, sons of my friends, to come home- alive.
I never promised myself to eat healthier, exercise, save money or try to have more tolerance for the unfortunate dimwits of the world. I fervently hoped to keep the chin level water from getting to my nose.  (Is that where the “chin up” phrase came from? ) Based on that criterion I was successful. 
  
I thought a lot about the world and the people in it; about bigotry, suppression, control, censorship, freedom and the lack thereof. I thought about politics in a different light, a global light and not just our little corner of the world. I read more books in the last six months of 2010 than I had in the last three years – books about different cultures and social issues. I weaned myself from frustration and censorship until the cord was severed clean and said good-bye to seven years of my online life. I thought about women in other countries who are murdered or maimed for looking at a man, or children who beg on the streets for food. 
I wondered why after eight years Iraq is still not on its feet and why after nine years Osama Bin Laden is still able to hide in the mountains between Afghanistan and Pakistan. 
I stressed about social issues closer to home too. I worried about no health insurance and my own inability to afford even when I had two jobs. I worried about homeless people and wondered why it is we are so compassionless towards so many of them. I wondered a lot about a country divided along party lines and like sheep to the slaughter following the dictates of the left or the right no matter how thoughtlessly stupid. I worried about kids not learning to read or write or think for themselves because they are so busy learning to pass a national test so their teachers can keep their jobs.
Some things left me as perplexed as always. Why people beat and /or kill their children, why people are rude to one another, why the courts are jammed with frivolous lawsuits and why the mentally ill can’t get help. Why a city, county, or country doesn’t have to balance its budget like a business and why all accounting is done with smoke and mirrors. I wondered if the economy was going to get worse before it gets better and I wondered if I could eek a few more hours out of the day to get things that needed doing done or get second job if needed.
As always, I wondered about God. I wondered why so many of His believers are sure their version of His existence is the only one that is right and I wondered how he feels about people killing and maiming in His name.
The saddest thing that happened this year was that my old dog Smokie died. But he gave us thirteen great years and the most unconditional love. The best thing that happened is that my family and friends are in good health. Oh, we have had our ups and downs, bruises and bumps, but we’ve survived to tell the story. I never forget how lucky I am to have the family and friends I do.
This weekend I am cleaning house. I’m cleaning closets and drawers and tossing or donating old clothes, shoes and purses. I’m cleaning the kitchen cabinets and dumping old spices and last bits of anything. I’m going to tackle my office and go through all the bills and figure out who I can pay and who has to wait a while longer. I am going to comb through the Writer’s Market book and find a publisher who might like my work- then actually submit.
In 2010 I tread water for 365 days. 2011 will start out cleaner and with some expectation of success by my standards if not yours. Not only will I keep my head above water, I will swim upstream like the strongest salmon. It’s not about resolutions for me- more like a legacy. If I kick the bucket this year or next, I don’t want anyone to be able to say- she was okay with status quo. I don’t want anyone to think I ever gave up on anything or walked away defeated- If I ever walked away it was in victory. If I chip away at some years and steam roll others, I always do my best to make a difference and influence others to do the same.
Happy New Year to my family and friends, without whom– it would be no year at all.

Besties

/ Katie Wigington / Leave a comment
  st1\:*{behavior:url(#ieooui) }

This morning I had breakfast with two of my besties. We go back to what I lovingly refer to as the “Sausalito Days” when we were all adorable and skinny and slightly crazy.  We had lots of boyfriends or would pass the same ones around and around- it was a small town, after all. That no guy ever came between us is a small miracle and a testament to our bond and long lasting friendship.
We have taken to meeting at IHOP for breakfast this past year. Early Saturday or Sunday mornings (before the church crowd gets there on Sunday).  We used to eat at more trendy places- but as we get older and money seemingly tighter- and time harder to come by- this is where we have landed. I look around, see other sixty somethings- and think how did we ever get here?
Patti is married now, Liz and I, still single. I was in my early twenties when I met both of them in the early to mid 70’s. Of course I can’t be date specific because that was after all very heavy drinking and everything else days.  
As we chatted this morning, we realized we are indeed getting old. We are all dragging our butts after a workweek and for the most part would like nothing more than to curl up with a good book on our days off.  Patti stays busy- but pays the price by having bronchitis six times a year. Liz – a polio survivor who has never let her pain and polio complications stop her from anything- has slowed down considerably. I have babied myself for years. I don’t overbook, I rest up on weekends and still just recently became sick and lost time at work for the first time in I can’t remember how long.
We are all very different- with a few strands of commonality. Patti is the nurturer. She has the patience of Job and is the caretaker of the world. Sometimes I lose patience – on her behalf, because I’m sure she never will. She puts up with my rants of course, because she is probably the most patient with me. Patti will be the one to visit everyone in the old folk’s home- even though no one will know who she is anymore. She will talk to the patient like there is someone home upstairs- even when the lights are long out.  That is who she is.
Liz is all heart, strength and intelligence – sometimes short on patience when she hears people complain about every day ass aches-like they are dying, when she has walked around with a whole body ache without complaint for most of her sixty plus years. She still thinks and talks faster than I can hear or comprehend- and her wit is still as sharp as thirty years ago. Her body betrays her- but she perseveres.
Sometimes I think- I am a little bit of both of them. They both participated in taking care of me- raising me during the craziest years. I probably owe them both my life- for shelter and sustenance when I needed it most.
I’m not as caring or patient as Patti- but I love my family and my friends and try to make a difference when I can. And I still make a few people laugh- those that get my deadpan humor and gallows wit anyway.
We are all survivors. We have all survived the loss of family and loved ones over the years. We have survived our own illnesses, broken hearts and occasional loneliness. Today when we spoke Liz reminded us to be grateful for what we have. She is right. We still have our health, though not perfect; we are not bed ridden or dead. We still have our brains, our memories intact if somewhat scattered some days due to stress or busy lives but not dementia. Not dementia or Alzheimer’s.
We traded Christmas gifts, which we said we were not going to do this year. None of us has money, but it has been our tradition for a long time now.  As we were getting our coats on and bundled up to go out in the cold, it occurred to me how fortunate I have been to have the friends I have. How accepting they have been of my faults- my quick temper and unruly mouth.
Last month Renee,  my oldest bestie  (years known, not age) came to my rescue (and called me a stubborn ass I think) but I know I might have ended up in the hospital had she not come to take care of me and make me go to the doctor. She is right of course, I am a stubborn ass. Renee and I meet at IHOP  whenever we can too.
Liz said today our big mistake in life was not buying an IHOP franchise.  Now I can tell you of all my mistakes- if Liz thinks that is my big one- I’m good with that.
I started out today lying in bed playing a movie on the back of my eyelids as I do on Saturdays and Sundays when I can be awake and asleep at the same time. Sometimes the movie is good and sometimes it’s bad. If it’s very bad I get up. This morning was just an old movie that starred my family members no longer with us.  December is my eh… month. Johnny died, mom died, and the month just carries a lot of baggage for me in addition to being dark and dreary.  I told myself this morning as my movie was playing on the back of my eyelids; I was going to overcome the blues this December. I am going to walk my dogs-even in the rain, and I am going to take care of myself and be my usual happy self.  Having friends like mine- make it all so much easier.
I’m not blue at all this evening. I feel like December will be good and January even better. I guess sometimes we just need to remember the good stuff and put the rest away.
** One more thing to be happy about. Two of my “newer besties” (less than a decade) sons are home SAFE from Afghanistan. That is something to be happy about this December too.
On a facebook quiz, the other day one of the questions was “Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?” and my reply was fuck the cup. I would like to amend that just for today– cup 100% full.